1864, Aprll 22nd.
I remember that day llke It was yesterday.
A renegade troop of Northern soldlers
fought In the so called Clvll War,
raped our women, murdered our chlldren,
even took out my goddamn eyel
I can stlll hear Granny's crles
as they burnt Pleasant Valley to the ground.
They kllled us all,
doomed us to a llfe In llmbo.
Nothlng more than ghosts seeklng revenge.
Guess that's the way the good Lord wants It.
Eye for eye, tooth for tooth,
as the Old Testament says.
One thlng's for certaln,
our souls aln't ever gonna flnd rest
'tll all 2001 are avenged I
Yes, slr, name's Buckman. Mayor James W. Buckman.
And here In Pleasant Valley,
the annlversary of our traglc massacre has arrlved.
And so have we.
Knlves have been sharpened for justlce,
table set for revenge.
We try to make sport of It for the llttle ones.
No reason vengeance can't be fun.
Only thlng mlsslng are the Yanks.
And so, yet agaln,
we walt.
M ust admlt Granny's been deeply loyal through the decades.
J ust aln't Into rubblng ankles wlth her no more.
Last tlme we dld, I popped my son.
Fllthy scum.
I think that's them coming now.
What in the blazes-?
Yee-haw I
Come on.
# The South's Gonna rise again
# The South's Gonna rlse agaln #
Yeah I Yee-haw I
# The South's Gonna rlse agaln #
You aln't gonna llke thls none, Daddy.
Sheriff Freeman here, done tore down the detour sign
Will you please?
# Yeah I #
Damn!
What seems to be the problem here, my good Sheriff Freeman?
The problem, my good man, is every spring I get calls from State police
after your's llttle festlval, looklng for mlsslng Northern folk.
U p 'tll now, I've played ball wlth ya'll,
but now I've got Ben sniffing around my butt.
"You've played ball, " because we've paid you quite a generous bounty
for your stewardship, ain't that right, sweet cream?
You dldn't mlnd me when you was a cub scout, dld you llttle Davy?
No, ma'am.
You wouldn't be pretending you can resist me?
No, ma'am.
That's what I thought.
Look, milk or no milk, I ain't dropping the soap in prison for none of ya'.
Ain't gonna be no more jamborees.
No more feastln', no more klllln'.
None of it! Is that clear?
Clear as a nighttime kiss,
on a young possum's cooch.
This town used to be a jeweI on the crown of the South.
You maniacs squeezed it into a turd.
Now hush up, you big baby, you're ruining all the fun.
Amen, Harper. Such Ingratltude brlngs a tear to my eye
when I think of all the hard work that went into making this thrill ride.
Am I right, folks?
Yeah!
Damn you and your thrill ride.
Well if that's how you feeI I'll have to tickle you on the way down.
Hold on a minute, wait a minute ya'II.
Come on.
Hold on.
We'll make a deaI.
No!
No deaI? No.
Fuck you and your maniacs!
Wait, wait a minute.
Bye-bye.
No. No!
Okay, folks, what time is it?
Roll out the barreI!
The what?
Roll out the barreI!
I'm- I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Kill that mother fucker!
You got it! One,
two,
three!
Ugh I
Bullseye!
Ooh!
Oh! Let's hear some of that 'oI death rattle!
I'll see you in hell, Buckman.
We're already there.
Ugh!
# Rot in hell Rot in hell #
Ah, well, Bucky,
if the Northern folk won't come to the South-
Well, we'll bring the South to them!
Rlght there on the road,
don't forget to check the backseat.
Next week on Road Rascals
the Old South gets a taste of Beverly Hllls,
as Amerlca's favorlte debutantes Rome and Tlna Sheraton, head to Georgla.
Watch out, red states.
'Cause we're coming your way.
I hear the South smells llke shlt.
Isn't the Llberty Bell In Georgla?
I hear they have these bugs there, called chiggers, that sleep in your puss.
Those Mexican cleaning ladies better not bitch us out.
My sister has got to ditch that icky dead dog,
yeah it was sad when Biscuit died but then Rome got it taxidermed.
I cannot stand my sister's boyfriend, Falcon.
He's so gay. Hello?
Tina's, not for sure, but, you know,
it's not like we're married or anything, so.
Yo, yo, yo, what plays in Georgia, stays in Georgia.
J ust don't tell Rome. Right, bro?
All thls and more, next week on Road Rascals.
So, that's the promo.
N ice.
Don't you just love it?
Absolutely. Red state, blue state,
Rome and Tlna Sheraton,
the wlng of the left flylng deep Into the heart of the rlghts.
I thlnk we're talklng Golden Globe on thls one.
Why so shortsighted, Jerry,
I mean, why not Pulltzer, or the Nobel?
What could posslbly be more prlze wlnnlng
than these two jiggling their tits across the heartland?
BristoI, please.
Well, I know Mommy's little Biscuit loved it.
Didn't she?
Mommy's llttle Blscult doesn't love anythlng any more,
wlll you bury that already. It fuckln' stlnks.
Why do you have to be such a goddamn tool, K-Jay?
I'm not the one smacklng a stuffed corpse.
Tina.
Falcon.
Stop bagging on the rat.
Ow! I mean, K, can't you show Biscuit just a little respect?
Bro, who's on the fucklng leash? You or the bag of sawdust?
Look, dude. I kiss her ass, she makes me famous.
Fucking cheapskates put some damn curtain like I'm the fucking hired help.
Where the fuck are we anyway?
Iowa? What the fuck Is In Iowa?
I shouldn't have let you drive.
Will you get off your rag already?
How many times do I have to tell you?
Momma wants a hard shell taco when all you got is a soggy chlngadera.
Shut up, baby.
I got a hard shell taco. You need to supersize it. Now back to work.
Come on, come on. There you go.
Now shut the fuck up and suck it.
Yes, yes, yes, I can see. I can see It.
I see a new moon rlslng.
Excuse mel I've had enough of thls shlt I
I know you and these asses
like to do whatever you want down Rodeo drive,
but here, I'm the producerl
I'm the bossl There'll be no party, no drugs,
and no sex!
Do you think you can put that no sex clause in Jerry's contract?
There's no respect, I'm the fucklng drlver, the productlon asslstant,
I'm the fucking caterer
the fucking- Fuck, fuck, baby.
We're full tlme party glrls, Val. Okay? It's what we do.
And it's like, you don't want us doing what we do.
Yeah, llke maklng me wear pantles to the Saturn A wards,
or not letting Rome shave her head.
Girls, girls, it's not about wearing panties
or shaving your puss- Head,
It's about not lettlng these parasltlc boyfrlends drag you down.
You gotta evolve into modern women.
More like modern rug munchers.
Shit- U h-
U h, uh, Madre de Dlosl Madre de Dlosl
Damn I
What happened?
Get off of mel
What the fuck is wrong with you, Jezus?
It's "Jesus", puta, and I hit a fucking detour sign.
I n the middle of the road?
Yeah.
How much is this gonna cost me, Jesus?
Knowing your cheap ass, you probably didn't even insure this piece of shit,
so I just made you some money, bruja.
Look, they spelled it the French way.
Where the fuck are we anyway?
Iowa.
How the fuck did we get to Iowa?
Sorry, I was a little bit distracted.
Hey, we could always camp out.
You know, get the glrls In thongs,
roasting marshmallows,
It would make for some great footage.
H m, I don't thlnk so. Thls place looks way too creepy.
Yeah, It makes Blscult's halr stand up.
That would be the Formaldehyde, babe.
Dude, respect.
For once, I agree wlth the debutantes. Let's just get out of here.
I hate to Interrupt the productlon meetlng
but I got two busted front tires and only one spare,
we ain't going nowhere.
Call Triple A.
Call them yourself, dlabla rubla.
God! Do I have to do everything?
There's no signaI.
Que sorpresal
Pleasant dreams, m'Ijosl
What? They spelled it in French.
K- Jay! I said no anaI!
Babe, don't look at me!
U h, I was just checking the, uh, the battery and-
Come on, babe, let's get some privacy.
That's right, fooI. Get sticky with yourself.
Oh, yeah, baby! Lower, lower! Rake the clam!
Is that good? Is that good?
Rake it. Rake the clam. Rake it!
You like that?
Yeah! Now give us a nice big smile.
Oh, nightmare.
Tinkle time.
Make that tinkle for two.
Let's flnlsh together thls tlme.
One.
Two.
Threel
What the fuck!
Welcome to Pleasant Vally! H m, sorta.
# Hey, Hey Yowdy, heydy, aye #
# Great new world Brand new day #
# Hey, Hey Yowdy, heydy, aye. #
Whoo-hal
Now let me introduce myself. Name's Buckman,
George W. Buckman, and ya'll arrived just in time
to be our speclal guests at the Pleasant Valley Travellng Jamboreel
You clowns for reaI?
As reaI as it gets, macho.
That's rlght. Now, uh, back In our hometown
of dear 'oI Pleasant Valley, Georgia,
every year about thls tlme-
Whoa.
What the hell Is that?
Why, that's my pooch box.
Pooch box?
Scarlet Red means log box, gentlemen,
come her 18th birthday I may present her with the key.
She's very progresslve.
Oh, you good at licking rock, Hollywood?
Hell, I'll llck your rock sllly, babe.
China Rose is trying to say
" Picking locks? My lock. "
I can pick locks.
When I was a kid, I broke into a shul,
and the Shammes caught me lifting a challah.
Holy Moly I Folks, we got ourselves a Hebrew I
That's "Jew" to you, ColoneI.
Jew, Hebrew, Chrlst-klller, It's all the same In Spaln.
That reminds me,
what's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?
About 100 calories.
Moving right along, folks.
Every year, down in Georgia, we put on a show-
Wait a minute. Did you say Georgia?
Why, yeah, ma'am, our proud sovern state.
Do you think we could cheat this locaI for Georgia?
For the rlght prlce, I can play Laguna Beach
for the Golan Heights.
What's all the whlsperlng about?
U h, Mayor Buckman. Turner, VaI Tuner.
Producer.
Oh.
Well, I do thlnk we shall joln your jamboree.
Well, that's great newsl
H it it, Crow!
# Hot games and feastin' Yeah! #
Ew.
Ugh.
# Hot games and feastln' Yeah I
# Hot games and feastln' Yeah I #
Christ on a cracker, boys.
After all these 140 odd years,
sometlmes, I thlnk we should just,
burn the whole goddamn North in one giant bonfire!
Ah, but, what's the style In that?
One shot discharge-
None, Captaln my Captaln. None at all.
You're damn rlght, Harper,
besldes, It goes agalnst tradltlon,
and qulte frankly, tradltlon Is about all we got left.
The network is gonna love this,
a bunch of redneck outsiders
who thought the South won the CiviI War.
They didn't?
No, Tina, they didn't.
Duh, that's rlght. It was the Nazls.
Anyway, while our sister act pretties up...
Jesus, you and Jerry
go and do some scouting. See if you can find some indigenous locations here.
You do know what "indigenous" means, right?
Hey, VaI, why don't you, me and BristoI
do some Intervlews wlth the hlcks?
You know, put a face to the place.
If you don't mind, I'd rather go with Jesus and Cherry.
What? You got a thing for this cholo?
What's that? You want me to give you a second briss?
Chill out, Jay.
Look, I'll carry your shit,
you just go show her a good tlme.
Make sure you save enough sugar for Black Cherry.
CooI?
CooI.
Whatever.
Come on, get over It, Jerry. Come on, come on.
If we nall thls, the network Is gonna be talklng spln offs,
pay per view blue ray box set.
If these fine folks of Pleasant Valley play ball,
this gig will never end!
I know I speak for us all, sir,
when I say I'm proud to be among the chosen few
here wlth you, In the chance locatlon of the troubles.
Well, God bless you Harper.
You know, you're riggin' a goddamn Mark Twain with you poetizing.
You have earned your spot on the bus. Ya'll did!
Even JezebeI, too, Daddy?
Yeah, JezebeI, too.
Except she earned her spot in the section called " Provisions"!
You don't mean you're gonna harm-
I mean that stuffed piece of lamb is gonna be
on my dlnlng room table next to some mlnt jelly
and a good bottle of M uscateI
unless you boys go out there and get me some Yankers quick!
Now skidaddle!
And make me proud.
Or something like it.
So when's your C D dropping?
End of summer.
Excuse me, your C D? What happened to our C D?
We can't do everythlng together Romy,
besides, it's music, not a basketball team.
Yeah, the labeI wants me to record, too.
EM O meets death metaI.
Ha! Ballads with balls.
Yo, yo, yo. Check out Abder,
macklng on my boy's dlll plckle.
Dude, I ever tell you about the time I totally fucked my baby sitter?
Bro, I thought you said your uncle was your baby sitter.
Never mind.
So what's a hottle llke you dolng wlth a llmp dlck llke Jerry?
Ever hear of the dumb blond that slept with the writer to get ahead in Hollywood?
Guess that was me.
Oh, baby, you're no dumb blond, you're just misinformed.
See, it's not the writers or directors that get you ahead, it's the teamsters.
You stick with me, I'll hook you up.
Yeah, I've never heard that one before.
Bitch, I ain't playing you.
Oh, yeah? So who are you gonna hook me up with?
For one, a bunch of buddies got this indie hard thing going on.
See, horror has its hell these days, you know?
I would love to get killed in a horror flick.
I bet you would and I bet you'd look good, too
all naked and covered in blood and shit.
Damn.
Yo, ladies.
It seems like a job for a homie.
Oh, Yankee suckee dickee?
I said "homie, " not "homo. "
Give me that thing.
Now that a gentleman has eased our burden
we can finally commence to practice.
U h, excuse me ladies, but we were in the middle of a conversation here.
Madre de Dlos.
U h, Jesus, remember me?
Brlstol, horror movles, covered In blood?
Naked?
Ugh.
Madre de Dios. Definitely more tongue.
Are you getting this? You are perfect, Granny.
Sure you got a tight shot?
Yeah, I got it.
Let's start shootlng, come on.
Am I good? My rouge looks good?
You're beautlful.
I want you to really- Okay, and actlon I
Our native American friends-
All rlght. Cut. Cut I
Excuse me, but-
I'll excuse me, but I'm the dlrector
and I'm the one who calls "Cut. "
I write the checks, okay?
All right, the structures aren't working.
Let me think. Granny, profile. Give me a profile.
I got two.
Other profile. Face this way.
All right, just go with it. Action!
Our native American friends taught us the many uses of maize.
You can boiI it, you can pop it,
and ladies, trust me,
with a little pig butter-
this corn cob makes one hell of a nighttime buddy.
Lookle-Loo, Jezzle, a fallen soldlerette.
Snlff her out, glrl, check her vltals.
Yo, get that beast away from her.
That beast is my lady friend, senor.
And If you are habla Ingles you'd understand
she's telllng you to go call on M r. Harper.
M r. Harper?
Alexander Harper, honey. He our veterinarian, he fix chicken and such.
Oh, he does people, too.
I want some, so pig knuckle on the Chinaman.
Hey I
Yo, you mlnd?
The name's H ucklebilly, dumb ass.
And I don't mind at all.
You like what you see, little man?
My, my, my, the South is rising.
Dang! It must've gotten stung by a bee.
I'm all swelled up down there.
Don't you have some cotton to pick?
Some shit to shoveI?
My chores are done. It's playtlme now.
Why are you stampeding me?
Get your paws off me you damned dlrty yanks.
We'll give you a lesson, H ucklefuck.
H ucklebilly, ass clown.
The way thlngs look down there you two mlght wanna get yourself stung.
Party poopers!
Hello?
Yo, anybody here?
Looks like the little lady can use my help, Santiago.
It's "Jesus. "
And no shit, Sherlock, she had an accident, she bumped her head.
Give me that iron. The one on the table.
You know, If you llke son,
I can also help you wlth that speech Impedlment.
Yo, Dracula, it's called an accent.
The good doctor needs his quiet, dude,
I suggest you joln the others.
Go on, boy, go on.
J ust make sure you fix her good, I don't want nobody suing me.
No need to worry, we'll brlng her round.
When she's done.
Whatever, ojete. Knock yourselves out.
Oh, you can crack corn on that.
Agh I
The secret to Southern home cooking
is you never ever tenderize without loving your blade.
I love you.
Treat your meat as you would an old friend.
Ha! Come on in. Agh!
Or an enemy.
Or your friends and enemies!
Agh!
Agh! Agh!
It's dinner time!
It's dlnner tlmel Come eat your goddamn dlnner.
It's dlnner tlmel
What you dolng now, Rufus?
I'm making myself a Jesus chicken.
Oh, Christ.
Cut.
Clamp. Clamp.
Wrlst clamp. Wrlst clamp.
Pig's snout.
Plg's snout.
What the fuck Is golng on here?
Well, you got yourself a boo-boo.
When our livestock gets a boo-boo we take 'em back and shoot 'em.
Please let me go, please.
You don't have to worry none, honey. We ain't gonna shoot ya.
That would be way too boring.
Ah!
Ah, just what the doctor ordered.
No, please. I'm a good girI, I'll do anything.
Thls llttle plggy went to market. And thls llttle plggy's stayed home.
And this little piggy went whoo whoo whoo.
La, la, la. All the way home!
Guess who?
You know what Granny told you about coming in here like this.
Aw, the heck with her, Jemima!
My passion for you is stronger than candy.
It's hotter than corn bread.
It's sweeter than watermelon.
H m. Remember the first time you crept into my stable,
told me how things were gonna be,
I'd be your tar baby,
I'd do whatever you like,
no matter how dirty, or nasty or forbidden it might be?
I am your lord and master.
Are you really? Are you really in charge?
U h,
Are you really? Are you really in charge?
I thlnk so.
I'm gonna lick you clean, Master.
Ah, Jemlma.
Oh!
Goddammit, Buckman! You romancing my griddle cakes again?
No, Granny! No. No.
You're just thinking about your darker nature, is what you're thinking about.
Go on!
Oh, you race trader, you chocolate dipping-
Guess who?
Oh, fudge dripping.
H mmm.
Black ebony!
# Do you even know Who you are? #
# Facebook Superstar #
This is a very expensive,
very uninsured camera
that my uncle SaI got me for Passover.
And if it's fucked, I'm suing somebody's ass.
Probably yours, I'm just saying.
And I'm saying, that old hag
was chopping those chickens like she was Jeffrey freaking Dahmer,
so fuck your camera! I ain't filming these people.
At least these people are not afraid of a little hard work.
Klss my black ass, Val.
Bend over, honey, and I will.
Hey, Bossman, why don't you let me work the lens, I got experlence.
Last tlme you worked the lens,
it cost my Daddy half a mill to buy back the video.
It made you famous.
No shit, I got my little bro through juvie.
Ah, look who's here,
so, Jesus, where's Brlstol?
Oh, she's wlth the doc, PM S or some shlt.
It's cooI, he's got a tent.
So let me get thls stralght. You left Brlstol wlth some, uh,
some white trash doctor and it's cooI 'cause he's got a tent!
Yeah, I thought you people were cooI with doctors.
You let them suck the shit out of your fat asses, don't you?
That's it! I can't work this way,
I mean, It's bad enough I don't get per dlem,
now I gotta take insults from Speedy Gonzalez over here!
I'm flndlng Brlstol and I'm outta here.
You walk, you're in breach. Then it's your ass getting sued.
Good point.
Chlll out, Schlndler. I'll go get your glrl.
Oh, no you don't. Sit down.
You can go. Next scene up Is Rome and Tlna solo.
H m. Hot.
Walt. You thlnk two glrls Is hot?
Totally.
All sushi and no hot dog?
Sure.
No blunt objects, nothlng you can poke en eye out wlth?
I think two girls is hot.
What?
Fuck.
# A shy Southern belle #
# A proud, Confederate gentleman #
# Now they're Lost in hell #
# This love once heaven #
Ugh.
There are some desires
that even death cannot remove, wouldn't you agree, Buckman?
Oh, yeah, like revenge.
I'm not talking about killin'.
I'm talking about lovin'.
Because that's always the thirst before the slaughter
that gets the temperature risin'.
Oh, yeah.
Well, thank God we got that lovely M ilk Maiden.
Screw our lovely M ilk Maiden!
And I'm sure you are, you son of a bitch!
Hey, Granny, what's cookin'?
H uck?
Buck.
Fuck.
That's what I'm trying to do!
Ugh.
It's stroke left, then right,
and you mlght wanna blow In her rear.
That really gets Jezzie's juices flowing.
No way, same with my baby.
Yes, ma'am. You know it.
It gets them wet.
Like a bog or a bayou.
Hey, how about next, you let Jezebel glve Blscult a llttle pony rlde?
Yeah I hear sawdust and sawdust Is a real turn on.
What kind of doggie biscuit is this?
Put him down, now.
It's a him? How can you tell?
Now!
Falcon, do something.
Hey, be gentle with that, okay?
I can be gentle.
God dang sodomites.
Doo, doo, doo.
H m.
Ugh!
Now this right here is unholy.
I'm too sober for this shit.
You think M iss Bossman will miss us?
Oh, M iss Bossman's too lost to worry about us.
H m-hm.
H m.
I wonder what type of J these freaks are smoklng.
They stay in character like this all day?
10 to 1 It's as flne as mlne.
Para tl. Para ml.
Come on, baby, let me fuego.
Yo, where'd everybody go?
Where's the party at?
Soldler blue.
Soldier Blue? What the fuck's a Soldier Blue?
PearI? I'll give you a pearI necklace.
Soldler blue.
Oh! Here's where the party's at.
Hello? Ladies?
Oh, you girls wanna play hide and seek?
K- Jay loves hide and seek.
Soldler blue.
Want to sllp Into somethlng more-
Comfortable?
Why are we dolng thls agaln?
Look, I told you it's representationaI.
The eplc struggle between the North and the South.
Brother against brother, sister against sister.
Good against eviI!
J ust take her top off.
I'm too fucklng stoned to undo all thls shlt.
Take them off. Shut up.
I need to get out of this place.
I do too, baby, we just got here.
Dld you blow your nose on me? You got some fucklng mocos In there?
No, shut up.
Green-nosed goblins.
I feel llke I'm back In the sweatshop In Teguclgalpa.
She's totally a Lesblan and won't fucklng admlt It.
My name is VaI and I am a Lesbian.
Will you please reprogram me with your Mexican wiener?
Take off my bandanna, baby.
U h?
Are you ready to put on our fucking Confederate clothing?
To join these assholes?
Dld you hear somethlng?
I did. What was that?
Now we get down to buslness, Soldler Blue.
Flve dollar, I make you holler.
Whatever you like I do for you.
How about 20 for plenty?
Okay.
Oh.
So glad you could join us for your complimentary old time photograph.
You're gonna take pictures of this shit?
We llke to capture the true essence of our "jamboree. "
Hey, I'm down. J ust keep it off the net.
U h-uh-uh.
Don't you move, boy. We need you sittin' still.
Lest they come out blurry. Ooh!
Fuck me like you're gonna get your green card, baby.
Emancipate me, baby. Emancipate me!
Faster, you Mexican jumping bean!
Darn ya', Oprah, you grunt louder than a churchyard chicken.
Well, nlce and tlght, Mlss Scarlet.
N ice and tight and hard and firm.
Exactly how I like it.
Oh I I'll bet you do, son. I'll bet you do.
Well, Granny,
it looks like our honored guest is ready for his closeup.
Walt, dude, I don't wanna have my plcture taken anymore.
Want has nothing to do with it, M r. K-Jay.
That's rlght, boy. I am sure,
that these fine Southern gentlemen didn't want their portraits taken neither.
I am sure that they did not want to be in this war,
and I am especlally sure
that they did not want their family and houses
burnt to the ground by you Northern heathensl
Whoa! " Northern heathen?" Dude, I'm from Burbank.
That's where the devll llves.
Bye-bye.
Say cheese!
Oh I
Good boy I
Smoklng I
Oh!
Puker!
Dang It, Granny.
He didn't smile.
Oh, well.
# Yankee Doodle went to town To bone hlmself a hottle #
Amen, brother.
# Stuck hls feather I n her cooch #
# like fresh baked manicotti #
Hell, yeah. Fresh baked.
What's your name?
It's H ucklebilly, dumb ass. What's my name?
H ucklebilly, dumb ass.
Typlcal I I'm out there, sweatlng my ass off,
and the two of you are sitting here,
getting this mentally ill child stoned.
Shut the fuck up, retard!
It's H ucklebilly, M ister.
I promlse, I'll just fllm It, no web.
So anyone know whether Jackass ever found Brlstol?
Hate to brlng It to you, Moses,
he's probably off plowing BristoI in some corn field by now.
Excuse me, that's Rome's boyfriend you're talking about.
Yeah, man, don't be a hater.
Suck my salty Salvadorlan sack.
You'd probably like that. You little twisted reality show wannabe.
Enough I Look, Jesus,
unless you want to crash the unemployment line like the rest of your famllla,
I suggest you get this tin can moving!
As soon as we get what we want from these rednecks
we'll get the hell out of this fucking two-bit shit hole!
Come on!
All right. I hear you, boss.
I can scam one of them tires
off that old schooI bus those freaks got
Whatever It takes.
I wouldn't advlse that, my frlends.
Some folks around here
just might be inclined to define that as stealing.
Stealing is a sin.
I wasn't gonna steal nothlng, abuellta.
I said "borrow. "
I guess borrowing is okay. That ain't stealing.
Maybe we can help you out with the tire.
But first-
Yee-haw I
I'll tell ya', Granny, that dlsplay of majesty
makes this ColoneI weak in the knees
and full in the groin.
Ugh!
Bucky, I ain't begging no more.
It's tlme you dlscharge your musket, Confederate style.
Madam, lead me to my executlon.
Yee-haw I
You'd better be getting all this.
This is money in the bank.
Solld gold.
Oh! Buck-man. Buck-man.
Candy apples.
Buck. Buck. Buck.
Candy apples?
Yee-haw!
How do you like these candy apples?
Them aln't real. Them's plastlc.
Probably got worms in it, too.
My mighty sword! My mighty sword!
My mlghty sword I
Crow! Crow! Crow!
Crow?
Buck?
Oh,
too much dark meat, bitch!
Ah!
Now, for our next demonstration,
we're gonna need another volunteer.
Oh, oh, oh I
Ugh.
You boy, with the smiling eyes, you'll do fine.
Yes!
M ighty fine.
Come on up now, boy.
I ain't got eternity. Come on.
Don't mind the darkness none.
You ain't never heard Helen Keller complain.
Turn around now, boy. Step on rlght up on here.
Come one. Show everybody your pretty face.
Now you see him?
U h-
Now you don't!
So, should I keep the blindfold on, or-
U h, hello?
Hello?
So weird.
Ah, okay.
Hello?
Hello. Is anybody here?
Howdie ho there, boy.
What the fuck? It hurts.
What kind of man are you, you can't handle a little arm wrestle?
Shit, Rufus. I knew you were different.
I knew you were different.
You see right through me, don't you?
Right through your heart.
My heart?
Yeah, you know, all my life I've kept my heart in the closet.
Lately though, my ass keeps poking out.
Whoa! I ain't queer like that!
But that don't mean you gotta stop.
I don't know.
Maybe you're right.
Listen, this is the wrong time, wrong place.
I'm dead!
Ain't that the truth.
Ugh. Agh!
Agh!
I'll give you Brokeback.
H m. H m.
# Revenge is sweet When you're munching On the meat #
# Of a Yankee Whose doodle is so dandy #
# We don't like to boast #
# But we make a tasty roast #
# Wlth grllllng We're really pretty handy #
# 'Cause we're cannibals Cannibals, yes it's true #
# And there's just no way That you will survive #
# We're cannibals #
# Cannibals, yes it's true #
# And you know we're gonna Eat you dead or alive #
H it it!
Ah!
Ew.
I clean up pretty good, don't I?
Without further undue, I would like to introduce
one mean ass mother fucker butt kicking son of a bitch.
Yeah!
Buckman! Yeah!
Go, go, Buckman, go!
Go, go, hl, Buckman I
Good evening, one and all! I hope you're enjoying the show so far.
Can I get a Yee-haw?
Yee-haw I
I wanna tell you, tonlght we got a show for you
you ain't never gonna forget or my name ain't George W. Buckman.
I know you've been worrled about where your compatrlots were
well, we were too, untll we found them In the medlcal tent,
playing doctor! Right, boys?
But serlously folks, they're all back stage wlth your young M r. Falcon
undergoing an extreme makeover for tonight's grand finale!
But flrst, It glves me great pleasure to Introduce
Pleasant Valley's very own Rhett Butler,
M r. Harper Alexander!
Ladles and gentlemen, please enjoy wlth me as we recreate
not only one of our favorite moments of the annals of history
but also one of the great spectator sports, as well.
Any volunteers?
You, sir. You want to win 50, 000 dollars?
Did you say 50, 000 dollars?
I sure did. 50, 000 Confederate.
Well, In that case-
How you doin' tonight, Abraham?
It's Jerry.
You sure look like an Abraham to me.
Why don't you just take your seat?
Now tonlght, the role of Mlss Mary Llncoln
wlll be played by Mlss Marrled Mllk Malden,
and good ol' honest Abe, well, that'll be you, D. W. Grlfflth.
Go ahead, please.
You're 9 Inches away from starrlng In my next movle.
Feels more llke 3 to me.
Now, the game Is If I mlss, you lose.
U h, I'm not too sure about this.
Ready?
Oh, come on, time out!
Aim.
Hold on, tlme out.
Walt, walt, walt.
Wait. Time out!
Time out!
Yeah I
Yeah!
Yay I
Aside from that, M rs. Lincoln,
did you enjoy the show?
Fuck this shit.
Ah I
Now, now, now that you're all a llttle groggy
the fresh air otta take care of that.
We're all here and we're gonna play a little game,
a llttle game we call the Revlsltatlon of the troubles.
ApriI 22, 1864,
we were living our lives, minding our own business,
when the Yankee man came.
When you came! killed us all, destroyed our way of life.
Hell, we weren't ready back then,
but thls tlme we are.
War's over, jefe, you fucking lost, move the fuck on!
Well, that's preclsely what we alm to do,
muchacho, precisely.
You're telling me you're with these crackers?
I was with these crackers when your kind
came condemnlng us all to the same fate.
"My kind?" What the fuck's wrong with you, brother?
I'm not your bother. I'm Southern bred.
And you, M iss Gutter Mouth,
you'd be Northern scum.
Now, now, Crow.
Remember we're trying not the use the " N" word.
You're right on that one.
That's rlght I
Now let's see here, from here to the road it's a couple of miles,
same dlstance we had to flee from Pleasant Valley,
now, there's no sport In shootlng flsh In a barrel.
so we hid some guns and ammo along the way.
Now, If ya'll can go out there and flnd them and put up a good flght
why, you're free to go.
Oh, that is bloody bullocks!
If you don't let us go now,
I'll have my lawyer slaughter you before you can say spectrum.
I mean It, mother fuckerl
Spectrum?
I'm not klddlng I
Nelther are we, Mlss.
I n case you have any doubt, M iss Maiden.
H m.
K- Jay?
Ma-ma-ma-ma.
Falcon I
Bastards!
Presentatlon. Well, let the games begln I
Pum, pum, pum.
Glmme that I
Gimme that!
# Bulldlng from the ground up #
# Starting nowhere #
Did you see what they did to K- Jay, Biscuit? They killed him.
They fucking killed Falcon, too.
We were gonna present at the Teen Dream Awards together.
You were?
# Well, they put us I n our #
Crying over spilled blood is not gonna get us outta here,
we gotta find those guns and cap those mother fuckers.
You're right. You and Cherry head for the RV.
Fix that damn tire, I'll grab the girls and find those weapons.
What are you gonna do if you find them?
I know my way around weapons. My mother used to be a prison guard.
That explains a lot.
# Again #
Bleed that heathen good and dry, son.
We could all use an after dinner tonic.
When do we get to eat supper, Daddy?
Aln't you done chewlng on that surfer?
What about me, Daddy? AII I had was a gristle from Jezzie's hindquarters.
Oh, enough I Stlflel Go on, glt I
What are you laughing at, China Rose?
Why don't you do some of that Chlnese laundry we Imported you here for?
Thls tlme get out the blood stalnsl I don't want no rlng around the collar.
Your wlsh Is my command, Mayor Luckman,
But remember, not tickee, no shitee.
Go on, glt I
Well, I see there, Ganny,
looks llke you're favorlng that dark meat a llttle blt too much.
Maybe if you were a little bit more black in your stallion,
I wouldn't need to visit the stable on long lonely nights.
How many Northerners to seek vengeance on 'tll we can flnally rest?
Well, let's see, uh,
last jamboree I thlnk we took care of 8 of them.
It's 9 here wlth thls now,
It still only makes us half way to 2001.
Dang it, does that mean we have to go through this shit again next year?
Ah, don't complaln.
Oh I My bunlons are kllllng mel
If I was one of those psychos where would I hide those weapons?
Kinda like an Easter egg hunt.
H uh?
Yes.
How old is this piece of shit? It's fucking rusted together!
Whatever. I'm gonna smoke and laugh about all this.
Are you fucking crazy, negra?
Those rednecks think this is the CiviI War or something.
I always knew the South was loco, but damn I
Shit!
Are you okay?
Fuck finding a tire. I say we ditch those bitches and save ourselves.
Let's go.
The Kosher way to do this is what?
You gotta cut the throat and let the blood draln.
This Jew boy ain't got no throat no more.
Well, then, cut his balls off, I guess.
Yeah, I guess.
Speaklng of balls, I've been meanlng to mentlon somethlng to you.
I just don't get you.
What?
You know. Your taste.
Explaln me thls, brother.
You, brother, spend your time on some soft girlie girI like JezebeI.
Gosslplng, shopplng and settln' up house.
I, on the other hand, like to hang a reaI man,
practicing, soldiering,
and wrestling. And my taste?
You tell me, brother, who's really on the side of the Lord here?
You gotta be fucking with me. This easy?
I guess not. No ammo.
You're klddlng me.
Fuck this cracker, VaI, let's go.
Slnce our llves are serlously at stake,
there's something I have to ask you.
Go ahead, babe.
If they find us dead here
our bodies naked on display for the whole world to see-
You mean like in your video?
I'm being serious, Tina.
Flne. Splll It.
All right. I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Do my thighs look fat?
Oh, my God I Rome, a gun I
You thlnk It's real?
Ah I Tlttlesl
Ugh!
Looks reaI.
Fuck, we're goin' around in circles.
I don't get it, Jay.
That's it. Let's split up.
I don't wanna split up. M m-hm.
Look-
If one of us gets away we're both saved, right?
You know I'll come back with help.
I guess you're right.
Of course I'm right, baby.
You go that way, I'll go this way,
one of us is gonna find the road.
Okay, but be safe.
You know I will.
What about a gun? Don't I need one, too?
Well, at least we found a gun.
Should I say thank you for that?
It was an accldent, Val. God I
Do you always have to rag on us, we have feelings, too.
Yeah, like we didn't feeI bad when the avalanche hit New Orleans.
Okey-dokey, now. One.
Oh, no, you girls despise me.
Why can't you see me like I see you?
Threel
Oops.
Agh!
Ah I
Oh my God!
You stupid little fake tittied, no talented, trust fund sluts!
J ust fuck off!
But you stepped on Biscuit!
Can I make myself any clearer?
J ust go!
J ust walt 'tll the network hears about thlsl
Yeah, we would never fuck you anyway.
Yeah!
Ugh!
Yoo-hoo.
U h, uh, uh.
What the fuck?
Looking for the U nderground Railroad?
Hey, Granny.
Do you think the Mayor would mind if we kept that beaner boy to ourselves?
I don't know, sweetie. I'd rather kill him than fuck him any day.
Sh, sh, sh.
Do you hear something?
No.
# Rock a-bye baby, On the tree top #
# When the wind blows #
# The cradle will rock #
# When the bough breaks The cradle will fall #
# And down wlll come baby #
# Cradle and all I #
I always knew those little cunts
would be the end of me.
Blscult's really dead meat, huh?
Yes, sweetie. She really is.
We're dead meat, too, aren't we?
No, Romy, we're gonna be okay. Trust me.
That's what you said the time we got crabs tag teaming K-Jay.
Whoopsle-dalsy I
Oh.
I thought the Mayor sald kllllng Mexlcans
dldn't count towards the total.
No, they don't deary.
They aln't North, they aln't South, they just aln't.
But there's nothlng wrong wlth a llttle sport kllllng.
So long as it puts food on the table.
It must've been a squlrrel.
Come on along, now.
Peekaboo.
Ah!
Can't you Northern folks do nothing right?
Tonlght at dlnner, yet agaln,
caught Granny picking a little too tenderly
on a dark part of her brisket.
Got anything to say about that, boy?
Ugh!
I ain't nobody's boy.
Not even yours.
Maybe so, Crow.
Would it be too hard just to, uh, stick to your chores?
Ah!
I do stick to my chores,
as much as I find them distastefuI,
And whlch one of you are too tlred from ploughlng the flelds,
or splitting the wood,
you can't deny that.
Tell me, Is there one amongst ya',
one, amongst ya'
willing to hit it when there's blood on the conch?
Well, I know how to plow.
and I know how to split,
but you sure have some very satlsfled bltches
in your Pleasant Valley, thank you very much.
Man's got a point.
Shoot, Daddy, I thlnk I made the rope too long.
You stupld ass whlte mother fuckers
you just wait untiI Al Sharpton gets a wind of this shit.
I'll own everything in this albino circus.
I ncluding that fake ass, dumb ass, stuffed mother fucking sheep?
Yeah? When pigs fly.
And the fat lady sings.
And there's a black man in the White House.
Where the fuck have you mother fuckers been at?
Down South!
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Fools them every time!
Yee-haw!
Relax.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
There's nobody here but us ladles.
Please help me. Please, help me. Please.
You gotta help me, please.
Folks like my kin,
they can't fathom the modern woman.
They wanna keep us all caged up.
Cage our bodies,
our passions-
That's right, momma!
Oh, no, no.
I hear there's a cherry in the center.
Ah!
Ugh!
H m. Clder red, always makes my plnk wet.
Oh, my God, Tina.
We're back to where we started.
Please, just go away!
Ah!
Spread the red.
I'm cold.
Get the bus, Let's take it outta here.
You try to start it, I'll stand guard.
Okay.
Jesuz!
It's "Jesus", bitch.
Agh!
Why Isn't It worklng?
Shut up, babe. Got some shlt under here.
Try the key!
Llke thls?
Anything?
Nope. Nada.
I am I dolng thls rlght?
Can't you hot wire this thing?
Yo, bitch, I went to film schooI, not prison.
U h-oh.
Oh, shlt.
Do you think they're mad at us?
We offered them entertainment,
sport, a chance to redeem some sense of honor,
for the atrocities committed by their ancestors.
And they play along by running away.
Oh, you wanna play?
Fuck, I'll play!
Gentleman to gentleman?
Yeah, If that's what you call yourself.
Bring it on!
Charge!
Go on, Tlnal Gol Make It start I
Gol
I can't I
Tlna, come on I
Come on I
Oh, start I
Come on!
Do your best ColoneI Cracker.
Yeah. Come on.
Oh, my God!
Get off me!
J ust walt I
Fuckl
H urry I
I was gonna let you go, seeing your kind don't count towards the totaI.
Brown or white, you're a yank to me.
Ugh I
Ah!
Go!
Go englne, gol Go, start I
Agh!
Brown or white beats your one-eyed freak show.
Ah I
Oh, now we're playing.
[Ah!
Yankee scum! Ah!
Go, Tina, go!
Gol
Walt, Romy, It's Jesus, he'll save usl
Can you fix it?
Go ahead, try It now.
Come on, come on I Start I
Start I Why won't you start?
It's turnlng I
Come on, Jesus. Get on the busl
Gol Gol
Puta, what the fuck are you waltlng for?
Hey, Two-Eyes. Suck my Dlxle.
Agh!
Whoo-whee!
shall rest 'tll all obey.
Don't turn it off, you stupid bitch!
But it just killed Jesus!
Let's finish this.
Oh! Ah!
Fuckl
Keys. Please.
Fuck you.
Turn It on I
Come here.
Go!
Ah!
I'm going!
Tina, go!
Rome, I'm going! I'm going!
Ugh!
Get us outta here!
J ust go.
It's over, Romy. It's over.
I can't believe I've ever decided to make this crap show with you!
You're so fucking annoying! You're so wrong!
Fuck you, bitch!
You know what? I killed your fucking beloved Biscuit!
Really? Well, I'm the one who snorted your 8-ball.
Fucklng bltch I
Cunt!
Damn Yankees.
Now what, Bucky?
H m. Ah!
Rufus, is this contraption working?
It's 12-4, Daddy.
Howdy, folks! George W. Buckman here,
inviting you to come to the Pleasant Valley Traveling Jamboree!
We got it all folks,
we got slngln', we got dancln',
we got games,
U h, I'm not too sure about this.
But most of all we got some real nlce mouthwaterlng Barbecue.
Does that mean we have to go through this shit again next year?
[Buckman ) Don't forget to brlng the klds,
especlally the chubby ones, portly always gets In for free.
J ust look for the detour slgn off the maln road.
We'll be waltlng. So come on down and get a taste of the old South.
And let the old South get a taste of you.
Come on, Granny, keep pushlng.
Oh, oh, oh.
Keep pushlng.
I am pushing, you morons.
Breathel
I think I see something coming.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh!
Come on, Granny, keep pushing.
Ma-ma-ma.
I see it's here coming.
Ugh.
It's a-
What is it?
A negro?